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Reasons why you should stop asking "when are you having children?"

First of all, I'm 23. I'm hardly "behind" in any way at all. In my opinion, 23 is still relatively young to have a child. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you shouldn't have a child at 23, I'm merely saying to have not had a child by 23 is hardly a problem. Which I was once told that I needed to "hurry up" and was running out of time. I was also once asked "Do you not like children?" in reply to me saying I wasn't having children any time soon.

I don't know whether people ask "when are you having one" as a simple conversation opener, or whether they genuinely think I should be having one about now and expect me to invite a whole conversation of having babies, or whether they really are just nosey. But either way, each time I am asked (which may I add.. is a fricken lot!!) I can't help but being slightly offended, and mostly very irked by the question.

Reasons why you should NOT ask a non-parent when they are having children:

  • For some couples, perhaps the answer to that question is that they simply can't or are struggling to conceive. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound...
  • Perhaps a slight addition to the note before - maybe they have almost been a parent and have lost a baby unknowingly to your nosey self.
  • Maybe it's financial reasons, maybe the time just isn't right for whatever reason. Does there have to be a reason for why it's not right NOW?
  • You are not the aspiration role-model you may think you are. Each person has their own ventures, and we're not all dreaming of living your life.
  • Not everyone wants children. No reason needed. Leave it there.
  • Inappropriate - We don't all want to talk about our sex lives, whether we're using contraception or not, whether we're doing it 10 times a day or not. 
  • I wouldn't ask "when are you finally going to save up and buy a house?" - Stop implying what we should be doing with our lives.
  • You may not realise it, but it's peer pressure. If enough people ask enough times, guilt is felt, maybe I should be having children - it's not the right reason for having a child.
  • Quite frankly it's a decision between the two people in the relationship and none of your goddamn business!

We don't all want to settle down and begin a family in a hurry. Every person has their own idea of when the time is right. There are pro's for having kids young, and pro's for waiting a bit longer. Each to their own. But I enjoy people having their own lives and doing different things with it. From families to professionals to travellers, all of the same ages. Your life is your own, not everyone will live it the same way you do.


  1. Well said!! My boyfriend and I faced this topic for almost two uncomfortable hours last night. I am 24 and he's 33. My cousins and I got together since they were in town. My oldest cousin (26) has a fiancé who is 26 weeks pregnant and also has a child he does not have custody of. My other cousin, she is 23 and married with 3 children all under the age of 3. And my other cousin is 22 and he has a 2 year old.

    So there we sit and we were hit with the lulling topic "so don't you want one of these soon?"
    It's extremely judgmental and irritating to sit in a room of people, most younger than you, and them jabbing babies down your throat.

    After reading this I just wanted to thank you for saying what I wasn't able to say in that moment.

    1. Oh I know exactly how you feel! I used to feel many a time at a loss for words on the subject without sounding too nasty. It just makes you feel so uncomfortable, urgh. Hopefully next time (because there's always a next time) you can offer them some polite advice.

  2. Thank you I am glad about the encouragement! I love your site, you post outstanding.

  3. I am new to your blog and currently working my way from the beginning to the present day! This post particularly hit home with me - as someone who has been with her partner for 12 years (got together at 18) we had the whole marriage barrage of questions for years. Once people finally got the idea that we weren't that fussed we had a bit of the baby interrogation, especially as we were appraoching 30, although it wasn't as much as the wedding topic admittedly.

    Now I'm halfway through my first pregnancy and since revealing it to friends and family the overwhelming response has been 'oh we didn't think you were going to have kids / were the type / thought you were focussed on your career' etc. etc. You literally can't bloody win!

    Sorry for the rant. Your point about people not being the aspiration role-model they think they are made me laugh so much ;).


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